The Escapism

The dog’s experience, experience the dog

Yep, I took Benji to the vet as I promised myself. Of course I didn’t go alone, went with Dad. Benji isn’t a car-dog type, remembering that today was his second time travelling in a car, both were to the vet. So, dad got impatient, I can tell you. But then we arrived at the animal hospital and finally Benji got his first complete vaccine in five years of his life. It was funny to see him barking at a dog 10 times his size, and hurt his own gum til it’s bleeding. The vet was very helpful, and he warned me that Benji isn’t allowed to be bathed or play with water for a week. Ok then, another job was completed.

The rest of the story, I’m still hangin’ on here and still have the same hope for tomorrow. I won’t give up. Anyway, that’s the kind of attitude that I must develop if I want to live somewhere in a foreign country.

Posted in Randomly

A need of prayer

Jun 06
1 Comment

My trip to Bogor was postponed til tomorrow. Chacha said her baby would be picked up by her mother-in-law tomorrow morning so tomorrow is better for her to go with me.

Instead, I’m going to take Benji to animal hospital this afternoon to have him injected. He hasn’t been injected since years ago, so I thought when I’m still here, I could take him by car.

Called the embassy again this morning, the man said that the computer was being repaired so I should call again tomorrow to check whether my visa is prepared. This visa thing is starting to be a pain in the neck for me. A part of me says that God’s timing is perfect and He’s never too late, but most of the times I face doubts again and again.

My faith isn’t perfect yet. I realize that I’m a weak and immature human. If everything turns out to be perfect at the end, it must be Grace.

So folks, those of you reading this blog, please pray for me, so when the best arrives, I’m still here.

The good news is, Alid finished doing my image yesterday, and I’m waiting for the new layout more eagerly

Posted in Plans

Just enjoy it, would you?

Jun 04
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Last night I wept til I dozed for no apparent reasons. I didn’t know why I cried, I only knew the feeling I experienced: I missed the people around me, dad, kukuh, friends I share lives with, I felt like I’m going to leave them soon. It doesn’t make sense, does it? concerning the visa that hasn’t come out yet, and many of the uncertainty around me.

Today I was like a 9-month-pregnant woman. I didn’t feel like jumping or even doing a little hop. A slight move I made to the bathroom took a great effort and decision. I know this sounds pathetic, but it’s damn true. Men are lucky, they don’t have to bleed for goodness

Despite of all the circumstances, I decided to buy Kukuh a new pair of black sandals, with 5 centimeter heels like she always wanted. We went together by angkot, bought a few things, had a quick dinner and then looked for the sandals. While having dinner, I was telling her to have fun and enjoy herself though she’s alone, if she wants to go shopping or have dinner outside, so she could go by herself and be independent. Alone yet enjoy it. She said she will do that. I had another strange feeling as I was saying those things to her. A feeling I don’t want to have for more than even a minute. The rest was I listened to her talking about the family in Bandung and how she assured me that she doesn’t worry about money that she has to give away to help her brothers, as she believed that God is taking care of her.

She looked happy with the new sandals. I was happy too for two reasons. First, because kukuh is happy. Second, I got 50% off for the sandals.

Watched a DVD Mr. Bean’s Holiday that I bought for Dad. It was kinda dull and boring, so I pressed the pause button and wrote this post. Perhaps after this, I will press stop and power buttons. I need to lie down.

Posted in Family, Weirdness

Well…wish you well

Jun 02
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So many things happened recently, but what’s been depressive is, I can’t write them.

Here’s some I would write about, I had a deep talk to two of my good friends after so long we never talked like that. The root of the problem is caused by, huh, who else? not the “third person singular”s. I don’t know the results yet, but one thing I know, I’m glad we talked.

And my brother’s birthday was just yesterday. He’s entering the 30ers club he said, a club that I will join in a few years to come (I won’t tell the exact years hehe). I wish him well, of course that’s what all of us would expect or wish about the ones we care about. One thing I sense from him lately, he’s struggling to quit from smoking, which is an outstanding progress for him, though I don’t know what drives him to do that. He’s so busy doing things and partying that he doesn’t reply my messages, and that sucks.
I guess 30ers stop ‘hanging out’ with 20ers, huh?

Still waiting for the new layout

Posted in Randomly

Fixed and unfixed

May 25
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I can’t help it.

I’m sick of the layout of my blog, and I can’t do anything about it. Asked a web-designer friend to help me out, looking forward eagerly to the new one. Grrrr…

By the way, MBS scheduled me for an interview regarding the admission. Now I have butterflies in my stomach ~~again~~.

And, I went to the most unfriendly dentist that kept my mouth shut for the whole half an hour or so. Four pathetic cavities olllll….fixed.

My tooth-fairy is smiling at last.

Posted in Randomly

Friday’s Feast 145

May 25
1 Comment

Appetizer
Name a sound you like to hear.
a sound when there’s an incoming message in my cellphone
Soup
What is your favorite kind of cheese?
I’m not a cheese-lover.
Salad
Do you sleep late on Saturday mornings? Why or why not?
Yep, because I may wake up late too
Main Course
When was the last time you forgot something? What was it, and how long did it take to remember it?
Last Wednesday. After my Deutsch private lesson, I was supposed to pay my teacher, but I just walked away though I sensed that there was something weird as she followed me with her eyes. I remembered 5 minutes afterwards as I was stucked in the traffic, driving. I didn’t feel good at that time, but now it’s funny.
Dessert
Fill in the blank: I notice that Chinese celebrities have to hold so many mics themselves when being interviewed.

Posted in Meme

Dance in the freedom…

May 23
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Yesterday I finally decided to listen to the CD I once bought but never really listen to it. Hillsong’s Mighty To Save. I began to sing along something like,

“I will worship You for who You are… my soul secured, Your promise sure, Your love endures…always…”

“We’re gonna dance, dance dance in the freedom we know, we’re gonna dance, dance in the freedom we know, we’re gonna dance dance dance in the freedom we know, because the freedom we know is gonna last forever…”

I listened to 14 songs nonstop and sang along, using my dad’s CD walkman.

It works.

It really works ’til now.

Somehow, my burden’s lifted up, the black shadowy clouds disappeared.

The situation hasn’t changed. Nothing’s changed, but one.

Me.

Posted in Solitude

Questionable elephant

May 22
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Just to keep myself updated.

Well, people asking me questions, so I get irritated easily like having my PMS, but I’m not (I wish I am). So what? they’re just being attentive. There’s nothing wrong with them, they don’t mean to harm me, they just care. It’s just I can’t take it these days.

I do really hope there are people asking me How I feel. So I can spread the virus and hope to feel relieved after pouring out the whole whiny-nagging emotions. But there are none. I think God is arranging it that way, so I’m not turning into a real whiny and nagging weirdo.

I’m also asking questions. Inside. So many questions that deep deep far I know what the answers are. They’re not audible, it sucks. And here I am counting every second, every minute and every day feels like a gigantic elephant that I have to pull just to make it walk.

How do I feel?

Hell, yes, I feel unheard.

Only this time I want to be a grown-up. I need to be out of my mind sometimes, need to be perfectly insane and don’t give a damn about it. Problems provide a chance for me to grow up. Grown-ups make decisions. Yay…

I’m not saying trash. I’m saying the right thing, though I haven’t felt good inside.

The elephant doesn’t want to walk. Let’s see if it stays that way when I ride on it.

At least I won’t be this exhausted.

Posted in Error found in the nerve system

Stormy

May 20
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Great…

I yelled at my friends, took out everything on them. Every single damn uncomfortable uneasiness that’s been going on inside my heart and mind.

I even complained to God and wished that my dad could be more like a father to me. More protecting. That I don’t have to do most of the things by myself. I know I’m not supposed to be this way, there’s always be a good side of this. But sometimes I just can’t see it at all, like this time. *sigh*

I’m begging God to forgive me. Calm the storm in me. It’s been there since a while and it hasn’t stopped yet, at least I can’t make it stop.

I feel bad enough. That I think I don’t deserve to sleep and rest

Posted in Error found in the nerve system

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